5 Steps for Battling Roller-Besity

Roller-besity is newly developed slang for “roller bag obesity”. Let me explain. Imagine you’re at the airport (like I was a little bit ago…now I’m in the air) and you’re pulling your roller bag along with hundreds or thousands of your best friends at good ole PDX airport (or wherever you may call home). Those roller bags are typically being dragged by the owner with one arm, and most usually alongside them. Let’s say you are approximately 2.5 feet across in terms of the width of your body, including your arms. Well guess what? The roller bag will add about another foot and a half if you’re dragging it alongside you. But here’s the kicker. It seems that EVERYONE who’s pulling one doesn’t realize that! It’s as if their roller bag is of an exotic new celestial material that is transparent to the rest of the molecular world the rest of us live in. They can turn corners with them and the roller bag goes right through walls, like some bizarre new David Copperfield magic trick. Or better yet, the molecular structure of their roller bag is such that it will go right through people and their legs and feet, like the apparitions in the Ghost Whisperer trailer (God, I hate that show!).

I was waiting at PDX Airport gate C7 (it started C3, but I digress) as the plane I was to board to Chicago had its prior passengers deplaning. So there is a stream of passengers flowing out the gate ramp, through the gate forest of seats and out into the brave new world of PDX Airport before descending upon the City of Portland (or maybe their connecting, but I digress again…my head does that). Mind you space between the groups of chairs at gate C7 is wide enough for not only people in wheelchairs, but probably Rosie O’Donnell, Tin Man and Scare Crow skipping and singing “We’re Off To Meet The Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard Of Oz”! But no. What happens instead?

  • They turn and their roller bags flip around after knocking down someone else’s roller bag. Must have missed that “Careful Wide Load” sign on their splash guards.
  • They run over my toes (I’m wearing flip flops…I like being comfortable on the plane) and pretty much everyone else’s toes, shoes, purses, laptop bags, strollers, children IN strollers, children NOT in strollers, and that Starbucks grande latte you left sitting on the floor…amateur!
  • Oh and here’s where it gets interesting. They’ll get this look on their face of, “hey, WTF is going on here that people keep bumping up against my roller bag”. I’m sorry Mr. I-Don’t-Give-A-Shit-Who-I-Run-Over-With-My-Swiss-Army-Roller, I failed to notice your Higgs Boson roller bag recently discovered at CERN and I also failed to modulate the resonant frequency of my flip flops to enable transparent pass-through of your fucking roller bag!!!

Come on people! It’s just not that hard to not be “that” guy or “that” girl with the poor roller bag etiquette. Here are a few tips.

  1. Acknowledge that you’re a fat roller-slob, and give yourself the wide load clearance you’ll need exiting the restroom without barreling down that dude who had too many Corona’s on his flight cause his mom gave him a bunch of Delta food coupons.
  2. If you’re bringing the roller bag onboard (hah, who isn’t!), it’s not hard to temporarily dislocate your shoulder so that you can pull the roller bag directly behind like Dale Earnhart (bless his soul) drafting behind…well, some other racing dude. Don’t worry, once you try to lift your roller bag to put it into the overhead compartment (IF you find space), your shoulder will pop back in…sorta.
  3. Alternate to shoulder dislocation: The beauty of the rotator cuff of the shoulder is that you can actually and comfortably twist your arm (this requires modification of hand grip on roller bag handle) and perform the same drafting move like Dale. Careful, the dislocation may occur when you try to lift the roller bag to overhead compartment. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
  4. If you’re training your offspring to carry so itty bitty cutesy Sponge Bob roller bags, teach them some courtesy and manners! Just have them refer to tips 1 thru 3.
  5. Finally, just check the damn thing at the gate. IT’S FREE FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! Then when you pick it up at baggage claim, you’ll be in the authorized Roller Bag Collision Area as you head out to get your cab/text your Uncle Pete you’re at door 7 (of the 5 door 7’s in the airport)/take the shuttle to Hertz (FUCK, my rental is at Enterprise).

Next installment of my Bitching About Stupid People series, FatBackPack Assholes…aka, OH, I forgot I was wearing a backpack, so didn’t mean to give you a black eye in seat 20D while I swing around to see how many people are behind me waiting to get into their seats.

Thank You…that is all.